New Moon by Stephenie Meyer

New Moon

There is an alternate cover edition for this ISBN13 here. I knew we were both in mortal danger. Still, in that instant, I felt well. Whole. I could feel my heart racing in my chest, the blood pulsing hot and fast through my veins again. My lungs filled deep with the sweet scent that came off his skin. It was like there had never been any hole in my chest. I was perfect - n...

Title:New Moon
Author:
Rating:
Edition Language:English

New Moon Reviews

  • Denys L.H.

    You may have heard me rant about the previous novel Twilight. I decided to read the sequel, just to see if it will get better.

    Boy, was I wrong.

    First off, we began with Bella Swan bitching about how old she's getting, because Edward stays 17 forever, and since her birthday is coming up, she'll be one year older than her perfect lover. Um... older than him? Looks-wise, yes, but these dumbasses don't realize is that he's 100 YEARS OLDER THAN HER! WHAT THE HELL IS HE EVEN DOING IN HIGH SCHOOL IN THE

    You may have heard me rant about the previous novel Twilight. I decided to read the sequel, just to see if it will get better.

    Boy, was I wrong.

    First off, we began with Bella Swan bitching about how old she's getting, because Edward stays 17 forever, and since her birthday is coming up, she'll be one year older than her perfect lover. Um... older than him? Looks-wise, yes, but these dumbasses don't realize is that he's 100 YEARS OLDER THAN HER! WHAT THE HELL IS HE EVEN DOING IN HIGH SCHOOL IN THE FIRST PLACE? What really makes me annoyed with this couple was the fact they were comparing their relationship with Romeo and Juliet. It's nowhere even close to that because you two have no reason for loving each other! (On a side note, Romeo and Juliet have no reason for loving each other, but they had a lesson in the story. They die anyways)

    Anyways, they have a party and things get a little out of control when Bella cuts herself (unintentionally) and Jasper can't control his vampire needs. Edward realizes he needs to protect Bella, and in order to do that, he must go away with his family. In order to pull an irritating fan girlfriend off your back is to hurt them really badly. And that's what he does.

    Bella decides that without Edward, she has no reason to live anymore, even though she unexplainably can hear him inside her mind. What a baby. Luckily, Jacob saves her from attempted suicide as I'm guessing, and starts hanging out with her. At this point in the story, I'm starting to hate Jacob a little less and begun to eventually like him, because he's more of an original character than Edward. He makes mistakes, unlike Edward. He has more of a potential and realistic relationship with Bella. To top it all off, he's a werewolf and vampires so happen to be his worst enemy.

    However, things start to get more complicated in the story. When Bella figured out Edward was going to Italy to ask this vampire family to kill him because he thought Bella is dead from some misinterpretation. Being the piss off as she is, she immediately pushes Jacob aside and her developing feelings and travels to Italy to stop Edward. In the end, they're together. They don't need anyone else, only each other to survive. Fucking lunatics.

    I hate Edward now. He's just too unoriginal for me. Fan girls (including Bella) only love him because he's the hottest thing since ipods. They love an image of their boy dreams, but they hate the character that's actually more human than Edward, the sex god? What's the world coming to these days? I swear Jacob needs to get out of that retarded novel before Stephanie Meyer comes up with a way to make everyone have a reason to hate him. Good job, babe, good job.

  • Amanda

    Keep in mind that though this review is about to wheel off into an angry rant, this book is good. The series is addictive. And as I said previously about Stephanie Meyer, if you want to cease brain function for a few hours, she's your girl.

    The beginning is slow, the middle is gold, the end is lacking. The blank pages to represent months passed in zombie-depression, great idea.

    Now, my problem. My problem is not so much with the story as it is perhaps with the idea behind the story and thus, the a

    Keep in mind that though this review is about to wheel off into an angry rant, this book is good. The series is addictive. And as I said previously about Stephanie Meyer, if you want to cease brain function for a few hours, she's your girl.

    The beginning is slow, the middle is gold, the end is lacking. The blank pages to represent months passed in zombie-depression, great idea.

    Now, my problem. My problem is not so much with the story as it is perhaps with the idea behind the story and thus, the author herself.

    It all starts with Romeo and Juliet. Stupid kids. Yes, yes, the great tragedy of love. Please note the word tragedy came before the word love. Because without the tragedy there would be no story. What would the story be otherwise? I'm not going to presume to rewrite Shakespeare (at least not for the hypothetical purposes of illustrating a point in this review).

    I will say, that I find it sad and unfortunate that Meyers insists on her characters not only admiring Romeo and Juliet (not the play, but the hormone-addled teenagers who committed suicide rather than take a minute to think it through), but specifically referencing the star-crossed lovers in near direct comparison to her protagonist and the lover-vamp. (Her main character also can be caught reading Jane Austen, but more on that later).

    My point? Impossible love is a great story. No doubt. And Meyer's characters, the human girl and the vampire (um, Buffy and Angel anyone?) are certainly in an impossible situation. Great, perfect, wonderful.

    The difficulty? No where to go. That's what makes Romeo and Juliet a tragedy. That's why Buffy and Angel never got back together. What choices has she left us? Either the human becomes a vampire or the vampire (in what would be a HUGE cheat) becomes human again. So? Make the human a vamp, right? Problem solved. Well, despite the flippancy with which so many of Meyer's characters approach this option, to do so would be a tragedy of sorts. Because in effect, it would be suicide, a life ended to be with the man she loves so senselessly that it makes you wonder how she could admire Jane Austen at all.

    Yes, Jane Austen writes about love, but take a look at "Sense and Sensibility". Jane Austen recognizes that love is more complex than the simple lust of it (while Romeo and Juliet barely get a chance to blink before they marry, screw and die-much like the carrion flies Romeo references. . .) Strength of character, not the sweaty passion, conquers all. Clear conscience and unerring moral fortitude conquers class-differences, social stigmas and familial disapproval. And so, they all get to live happily ever after.

    This is your dilemma Stephanie Meyers. You've laid the groundwork, not for a Jane Austen like happy-ending despite the odds, but a Shakespearian tragedy that will not only leave the audience sobbing, but foaming mad. Frankly, the readers of today don't want a tragedy (for the most part), they get that enough every day. They want the happy ending. I want the happy ending and what would that be in this situation?

    As far as I can see there is no way to have a true happy ending. Either you make a living girl a vampire. Or you pull out the deus ex machina and make the vampire a human. Neither option will be unsullied enough to be fully satisfactory.

    Personally, I would rather see the girl become a vampire, though I wish the character would take it a little more seriously than she has. Because my sense of fairness would be violated if the vamp miraculously becomes a human. But no matter how it ends, I fear I will be disappointed, as the endings of both books have been so thoroughly let-downs I cannot imagine the author has it in her mind to tack a new course at this point.

    How do I have the audacity to be so critical? Have I written a New York Times Bestseller? Two, three?

    Not yet.

  • Nicole

    Uhg. I read Twilight and was sorely disappointed in it, but I had heard through a series of acquaintances that this one was better--that it introduced werewolves and slightly healthier relationships.

    I was deceived.

    It was awful--not as bad as its predecessor, but still pretty bad. Right off the bat Bella is crying about how she hates her birthday and dreads aging and wants little to do with her birthday. This was a annoying to read through because I kept thinking to myself, "What teenage girl th

    Uhg. I read Twilight and was sorely disappointed in it, but I had heard through a series of acquaintances that this one was better--that it introduced werewolves and slightly healthier relationships.

    I was deceived.

    It was awful--not as bad as its predecessor, but still pretty bad. Right off the bat Bella is crying about how she hates her birthday and dreads aging and wants little to do with her birthday. This was a annoying to read through because I kept thinking to myself, "What teenage girl thinks this way?" Perhaps they do, but when I was a teen, I could only think of how awesome I was going to be when I got older and had more experiences.

    Skip to the party. She cuts herself and a unicorn cries, she is suddenly alone on the forest floor. Her life is over now that Edward gone. For the next hundred pages or so we enter DIARY MODE, complete with day-to-day updates on how she is truly dead inside. I found myself skimming though this sickeningly pitiful section like it was a high school biology book till I got to some substance.

    ENTER: JACOB (STAGE RIGHT)

    A more interesting character with [short term] goals and a little bit more of a personality. Still devoid of any mannerisms, as are ALL the personnel of this series, but he's at least more dynamic. I liked him, but it was painful to see that Bella really only used him for her next "hallucination" fix. She rambles on and on for hundreds of pages talking so much about the "hole in her chest" and how it burned and itched and stung and pussed and--well, showed all the good symptoms of a bad STD--that the plot seemed to vanish beneath her pained musings and constant reminders of Edward.

    The story continues along at the pace of a bike going uphill with square tires till--BAM--werewolves. This was nifty to me, having always liked werewolves with self-control and a purpose, but Meyer had no better way to describe them then "exploding." Every werewolf exploded, all the time, over nothing. It was boring at best, and even though this is painted on the walls from the first book, and used as a tool to beat you with during the introduction of Sam and his "cult," Bella is still oblivious. Once she finally realizes what’s going on, she is unphased (I guess we should have expected as much) and uninterested.

    An interesting aside to this "section" of the book: They actually introduce a character that is NOT beautiful, godlike, stunning or otherwise perfect. Emily, the wife of Sam, has a horrific scar pattern stretching across her face and down her arm. "Sucks to be her," we are left to assume because she is immediately dismissed as an unimportant character and forgot about; which leads me to the last "section" of the book.

    Here is where I got angry at the book. I'm not sure I've ever felt angry at a book before I read this last part. Bella is tired of waiting for her wolf-protector and decides to go cliff diving (as previously mentioned in the beginning of the book). As you might have guessed, she yet again fails miserably and nearly drowns, only to be saved yet again, but not before seeing VICTORIA--the shadowy plot device that has been loosely keeping this story together.

    At this time I was thinking, "Ooooh! Finally! No more diary! We might actually have some conflict to gnaw on!"

    ::anger flares::

    Like a stereotypical sad-teenage-boy-that-needs-to-cut-himself-for-attention, Edward runs off to Italy to kill himself. This is where I imagine Meyer had hit writers block, and decided to get her computer chair wet again by gushing over the painfully gross relationship that Bella and Edward share. She kicks Jacob and her father aside like used rags, and jet-sets out to Italy (to an airport where apparently there is no immigrations office to herd you along for a few hours getting injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected, selected and all kinds of crazy stuff), to save Edward.

    One hundred pages of overdramatic swooning and crashing and hissing leads to Bella being exposed to the ugly side of vampire-lifestyle and the ultimatum that she has to become one or die. This was boring at best, with four chapters of frustrating mushy googly eyes and epiphanies that the condescending git, Edward, loves the paper-thin floozy Bella and she settles in for a marriage and a blood stained picket fence in Meyer's dress-up-game of angles and demons.

  • Scott

    I can't even.... wow. Is anyone else completely aghast that this dreck saw a printing press not to mention became a wildly popular series?

    I thought I was being hard on Twilight when I criticized it for portraying a relationship so ill-advised and unhealthy and then romanticizing that relationship to young people as if people didn't already make enough bad decisions. I thought maybe now that Book 1 was done the series would take a nice turn.

    Enter: New Moon. Exit: Shred of decency.

    Were it simply a

    I can't even.... wow. Is anyone else completely aghast that this dreck saw a printing press not to mention became a wildly popular series?

    I thought I was being hard on Twilight when I criticized it for portraying a relationship so ill-advised and unhealthy and then romanticizing that relationship to young people as if people didn't already make enough bad decisions. I thought maybe now that Book 1 was done the series would take a nice turn.

    Enter: New Moon. Exit: Shred of decency.

    Were it simply a problem of the weakly-developed characters, confused and uneven plotline, hundreds of pages of cloying depression (only to be replaced by cloying sentimentality later on), and an appalling and unsubtle parallel to Romeo and Juliet, this novel would simply be mediocre teen fare.

    But then we must consider the problem of Bella: whiny, needy, and sullen, blindly devoting herself to a partner that constantly patronizes, criticizes, and subjugates her only for him to leave so she can spend the next 8 months in a state of emotional vacancy so acute that she forgets everything else in her life that a girl can be happy about. Bella is only complete--and she says this herself--when her man is by her side. And apparently, according to Meyer at least, this is ok. It's ok to create a character so bereft of purpose, self-assurance, and identity that she can't live without a relationship based on nothing substantial, just beauty, lust, and exoticism.

    And it's ok for her to experience no emotional maturity whatsoever because in the end, her lover comes back spewing the same gushy nonsense as before while still lording it over her and flying into rages when he doesn't get his way.

    The only compelling character in this story was Jacob. That is... until he became a werewolf and became as cardboard and unappealing as the rest of the cast. The irrational hatred between vampires and werewolves gets played off as instinctual, but it has all the logic of bigotry, and that these characters do nothing to try overcoming it is yet another way in which they are immature and non-self-examining.

    Due to the audience for which this intended, I have to say that New Moon and the Twilight Saga as a whole are not just poor, they're damaging.

    And don't even get me started on the "epiphany" of p. 527. We were expected to believe Bella thought Edward had ceased to love her even though an autistic housefly could see it was nowhere near true?

    This book failed. Intensely. I'm sorry.

  • Manny

    As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

    Earlier this year, I foolishly lent my copy of

    to Cate across the road. She liked it. Then, when she got a place at college last month, we thought we'd give her something as a congratulations-and-going-away present. It was so logical to buy a copy of

    .

    Cate zipped through it quickly, and dropped off her copy before leaving so that I could read it too. How could I possibly say anything except thank you?

    Well... look on the bright side. I've heard so muc

    As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

    Earlier this year, I foolishly lent my copy of

    to Cate across the road. She liked it. Then, when she got a place at college last month, we thought we'd give her something as a congratulations-and-going-away present. It was so logical to buy a copy of

    .

    Cate zipped through it quickly, and dropped off her copy before leaving so that I could read it too. How could I possibly say anything except thank you?

    Well... look on the bright side. I've heard so much about this book, and I suppose it is interesting to see what people are talking about. But, Jesus Christ, Bella is

    and she's already obsessing about getting old. She keeps hassling Edward to turn her into a vampire so that she can stay young and pretty for ever. There is some chance that this will result in her losing her immortal soul, but hey, seems worth the risk.

    I suppose future ages may consider that this says something about early 21st century Western society. You don't exactly have to overexert your mind to come up with interpretations in that direction.

    _____________________________________

    So here's a thought that occurred to me this morning, which I'm surprised to find hasn't already been discussed to death by hardcore Twilight fans. Bella is a bright girl who gets mostly As and Bs at school, so why hasn't she stopped even for a second to consider the physics of vampires? To start with, where do they get their energy from? They don't really eat, they don't really drink, and they don't even need to breathe. Yet they're incredibly strong and fast. OK, they claim they need blood every now and then. But not, apparently, very often, and how could they possibly get this amount of energy from the occasional liter of blood?

    Then they're hard, "like marble". In fact, if they didn't claim to be vampires, would we even think of calling them that? They certainly seem to be a lot more like humanoid robots. And if you just follow up that hypothesis for a moment, several things fall into place. Their blood must surely be full of those little nanobots that are going to be the Next Big Thing. When a vampire bites a human, the nanobots get into the victim's bloodstream and start restructuring him from the inside out, replacing all the soft animal tissue with something far more durable.

    That no doubt includes the brain too; they probably scan it and then map the structure onto software, a trick that's been standard in SF for several decades now. No wonder the "vampires" can think so uncannily fast. But if your brain has been scanned, destroyed, and turned into software, are you still the same person? You can see why Edward is warning Bella that she might lose her soul. It's a bit like turning an LP into a CD, a process that several of my classical musician friends describe in exactly those words.

    And, going back to where we came in, where is their energy coming from? Those nanobots must have their own power source too. I must admit that I don't know what it is. The fact that "vampires" don't seem to need any kind of material inputs suggests it's not chemical; nuclear seems more likely. Maybe they have some kind of catalyzed cold fusion, or it could be a post-quantum force that we haven't discovered yet. After all, we're way overdue for the coming revolution in physics.

    Also, where did the nanobots come from, and why are "vampires" unhappy to be out in open sunlight? I can only see one sensible answer. They can't have been created by humans. "Vampires" have been around a long time, and human technology was primitive when they first appeared. They must be from elsewhere, which in practice means from another solar system. Probably they were originally created thousands of light-years from here, and have been drifting slowly on the cosmic currents for millennia. Well, if their normal habitat is deep interstellar space, no wonder they're scared of sunlight. They wouldn't normally be this close to a star; they're not designed for it at all.

    And here's the thing that surprised me most. In fact, the story isn't irrelevant or far-fetched. If people like Ray Kurzweil are right, it's tackling what could soon be a major issue. According to Kurzweil, the Singularity is supposed to arrive this century, and those nanobots will be a reality. Millions of people will have to make exactly the moral choice that Bella has to make in the book. Are you going to stay human, or allow yourself to be transformed into a godlike and near-immortal being, which might however not actually be you any more?

    It's interesting that the books are appearing when they are, and present such a compelling emotional case for allowing yourself to be infected by nanobots. If you like conspiracy theories, feel free to speculate some more here.

    _____________________________________

    I'm doing my best to like this book. I mean, hating it would hardly be a challenge, would it? But every now and then, I get a passage like this one:

    Aaarrrrgh!!!

    _____________________________________

    Having now reached the end, I must admit that I enjoyed

    more than I'd expected. Of course, there are some problems, starting with the fact that Stephenie Meyer can't write to save her life. But by making it a first-person narrative told by the shy, clumsy Bella, she has found an ingenious way to get around that. Bella's endearing klutziness is just a metaphor for her even more serious problems as a writer. As she keeps telling us, every time she walks across a room she wonders if she'll trip over her feet and end up in hospital; similar remarks apply to her ability to string together an eight word declarative sentence. But she's stylistically consistent, and after a while I found myself accepting her. This just happens to be her voice, even though it's not a very good one.

    I also thought that she was a seriously unreliable narrator. Not about factual events; to start off with, she doesn't seem to be imaginative enough to make anything up. When it comes to telling us about her feelings, however, I found it hard to believe her, and presenting everything as a mass of regurgitated romantic clichés is an effective way to show us how poorly she understands herself. We hear over and over again that she loves Edward, and only thinks of Jacob as a friend. But we also hear that Edward feels hard and cold to the touch. I couldn't help thinking of the wonderful scene in

    where Rachel McAdams's Cool Mom insists on giving Lindsay Lohan a silicone-enhanced hug; I'm sure that Bella often winces in just the same way when Edward hugs her, though she doesn't allow herself to notice it. In contrast, Jacob is warm and alive, and she genuinely likes holding his hand and feeling him put his arm around her. There are several scenes when she nearly kisses him, knowing full well what that will lead to. It's clear that she wants to, and the excuses she makes to herself about him just being an unsatisfactory substitute for Edward are laughably unconvincing.

    I found the opposition between Edward and Jacob the heart of the book, and after a while I decided that the author was presenting something interesting and essentially honest. The tricky thing is that she's subverted the vampire symbol. Usually, vampires represent the young girl's simultaneous dread and fascination in the face of sex. But Edward isn't very sexy. We're always being told that he looks like an angel, and indeed there does seem to be an angelic purity about him. I find it much more plausible that he's representing religion, and when you think of him in those terms several other things come into focus. As Richard Dawkins keeps telling us, a religion is a kind of virus, which infected parties want to spread as quickly as possible; well, vampirism is rather like that too. And Bella is very conflicted in her feelings about vampires. She loves the Cullens, "her family", but she is well aware that most vampires are monsters. If you're brought up in a cult-like religion, that's not a bad metaphor. All other religions are evil and wrong; your own religion is the one exception to the rule.

    As everyone knows, Stephenie Meyer is a committed Mormon. It doesn't seem far-fetched to claim that Bella's feelings about vampires mirror the author's feelings about her religion, which among other things is very down on premarital sex. And that's where the werewolves come in; they represent the normal sexual feelings that most young Mormon girls are taught to deny. The tension between these two conflicting attractions is what gives

    its undeniable force, and I found the story credible at an emotional level. I can readily believe that it's just like that to be a eighteen year old Mormon girl with a healthy sexual appetite, and I feel I understand their plight better after having read this book. Well done, Stephenie!

  • Paul Bryant

    When she was 12 me and my daughter Georgia went to see Twilight. After the movie I asked her what she thought.

    "THAT WAS THE BEST MOVIE EVER" she said. And she went to see it three more times, with people other than me.

    So she bought the book and read it in about four hours. I asked her what she thought.

    "THAT WAS THE BEST BOOK EVER" she said.

    Then we got the dvd of the movie and she watched it again.

    "THAT WAS THE WORST MOVIE EVER" she said. I was surprised but she explained - "Bella is stupid, Edwa

    When she was 12 me and my daughter Georgia went to see Twilight. After the movie I asked her what she thought.

    "THAT WAS THE BEST MOVIE EVER" she said. And she went to see it three more times, with people other than me.

    So she bought the book and read it in about four hours. I asked her what she thought.

    "THAT WAS THE BEST BOOK EVER" she said.

    Then we got the dvd of the movie and she watched it again.

    "THAT WAS THE WORST MOVIE EVER" she said. I was surprised but she explained - "Bella is stupid, Edward is stupid, nothing looks right, they miss out all the important stuff, it's so bad, it's so so so bad"

    Then she read all the other Twilight books in like four hours.

    "NEW MOON IS THE WORST BOOK EVER FOR 200 PAGES AND THEN IT'S THE BEST BOOK EVER" she said. By now she was 13.

    A week ago she said

    "NEW MOON IS COMING OUT SOON, I'M SO EXCITED, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT, CAN WE GO ON THE VERY FIRST DAY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE"

    and I said "But you think Twilight The Movie is stupid".

    "Yes, it is stupid" she said "and I can't WAIT to see how bad New Moon is!"

    Critics.

    ***

    ps : Now (aged 13) she's going to see the new Robert Pattinson movie Remember Me. I assume that's because he's so

    and such a

  • Kiki

    Dear Ms. Meyer,

    Yours painfully (or some other adverb)

    The Society Of Of People Opposed To Douchebags And Their Disciples (T.S.O.P.O.T.D.A.T.D)

  • Haleema

    This should suffice.

  • Steph Sinclair

    Stephen King once said, "Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good."

    I couldn't agree more, Stephen. With that, we shall kick this off with a joke:

    Heh.

    This re-reading is brought to you courtesy of

    .

    I'm sorry folks. I just could not get through this

    book another time. However, since I've already read it a few times, I feel extremely confident in skipping to the review. But first, can someone please explain to me why this book is 563 pages?! Seriously

    Stephen King once said, "Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good."

    I couldn't agree more, Stephen. With that, we shall kick this off with a joke:

    Heh.

    This re-reading is brought to you courtesy of

    .

    I'm sorry folks. I just could not get through this

    book another time. However, since I've already read it a few times, I feel extremely confident in skipping to the review. But first, can someone please explain to me why this book is 563 pages?! Seriously, how is it possible a book with almost no plot can be so long? When I first read

    back in 2008, I didn't like it. In fact I'm not even sure why it had three stars because I remember being super frustrated. Even though Edward and Bella's relationship deeply disturbs my soul, Bella is so incredibly boring without him. I'm not even sure how Stephenie Meyer managed 563 pages. Truly, I'm amazed because I can sum up

    in one big picture:

    But let's get on with it, I'll go into some detail for ya.

    The book starts off on Bella's 18th birthday, a day she has been dreading for months only because in her mind she will be one year older than Edward. So, she makes a huge production about people not celebrating her birthday, but the Cullens ignore her and Alice plans a party. Before Edward forces her to attend they watch Romeo and Juliet (the book's supposed theme) and they have merry little conversation about Edward's contingency plans once Bella dies. Now, let's not forget they've only been dating for a few months. Yet, here they are making out and talking about killing themselves in the event of the other's death. How romantic. Don't even ask me the logic behind how they can even kiss when his teeth are supposed to be "venom coated." Stephenie Meyer gives some bull shit excuse she must have learned from ass-grab 101. But I digress...

    Finally, they make it to the birthday party. Bella gets a paper cut and Jasper almost single-handedly ends this series on page 29.

    Unfortunately, to my dismay his attempt was foiled by Edward. Eddie pushes Bella out the way and she crashes into the glass plates, slashing up her arm. Pause, let's think about that scene a bit: Who's bright idea was it to have glass plates? With a human. In a room full of vampires. That drink blood. Isn't Alice psychic? Why didn't she

    Bella cutting her finger on the wrapping paper? Wait, don't think about that because if you spend all your time contemplating the stupidity, we'll never get through this review.

    Obviously, Eddie is not happy with the events that went down at his place and Bella further irritates him by apologizing for...wait for it...being human. Bella, you know you've been hanging out with mythical creatures too much when you start thinking your humanity isn't normal. But anyway, Eddie does what any loving boyfriend would do after their girlfriend is attack by their brother: he ignores her. And because Eddie is "Alpha Male Edward" and Bella is "Submissive Mary Sue Bella," she doesn't confront him about it. Instead, she waits for him to be ready. On the third day of ignoring her, he drags he into the words and chucks up the deuces. The exchange goes a little like this:

    Alpha Male Edward tells Submissive Mary Sue Bella firmly, "No, I don't want you to come. You're no good for me." And she pretty much agrees realizing how much of a waste of space she is. Then Edward just pours salt all over her open wound and tells her:

    Wow. Relly? You're just going to let him order you around like that? How about you look after yourself FOR YOU first, everyone else second? Awesome Bells. Can I call you Bells? Not only do you have ZERO self-preservation skills, but also no self-confidence. Just awesome. There's only about a million or so girls looking up to you as a role model. No pressure to be a strong female character. You could have walked away from this with grace, but no, instead all your dignity flies out the window when you pull a bitch move and run after Edward through the woods.

    Then, she defaults back to "Fuck my life" mode and slips into a depression for four fucking months. I find it kind of funny her depression was longer than their actual relationship. Heh. But this wasn't just any depression, it was some serious shit.

    Or how about this:

    Once again I find myself asking the question: Where are her parents?! Why did Charlie let this go on for

    months?! She should have been in counseling or something. But Meyer thinks she can just pacify readers by Renee sending a random e-mail here and there or Charlie just suggesting she seek help, only to be shot down by Bella. Fail. So much fail.

    All that considered, that's not even the biggest problem I have with this book. Bella soon figures out she can conjure up hallucinations of Edward if she does something reckless or suicidal. This is where Jake comes into play. Bella uses Jake (like everyone else) to get what she wants by asking him to fix up two motorcycles she found and giving her riding lessons. She figures it will be the perfect thing to help her see more of Edward. I suppose she simply forgot how big of a klutz she is and once the bikes are fixed the lessons commence. The first time she gets on she falls off and Jake (the only one with common sense) thinks they should call it a day before she gets hurt. But Bella thinks this is BK and she can have it her way, and gets back on the bike.

    Chick has gone batshit crazy and she promptly busts her ass. But she doesn't care because her mission was a success! She got to see and hear Edward! Her next brilliant idea is to throw herself off a cliff during high tide. The first time I read this I was secretly hoping she would drown, but the other two books already were published, so it was a hopeless wish. Oh and I almost forgot to mention the actual plot. LOL.

    how that happens when there isn't one, huh? LOL. The She-vamp, Victoria, is scoping out the area trying to get to Bella. But her part is VERY small in this book (like the plot), so we don't really need to talk about her. I suppose the wolf pack is worth mentioning: They're pretty much a bunch of wannabe werewolves that run around with their shirts off.

    That's all you really need to know about them.

    So, finally Alice shows up in chapter 18 because she thought Bella was trying to commit suicide (close enough Alice). And through a nice little exchange of "he said, she said" BS, Edward is off to Italy to kill himself. This causes Bella to go into "hero" mode and race to Italy and save Edward. I really don't care enough to give my thoughts on the race to Italy. That entire part was rushed and anti-climatic. There isn't even a fight scene. Instead here is a timeline courtesy of

    (Thanks for the link Cait and Jen!):

    Anyway, they get back to good old Forks and Bella composes a vote on everyone's thoughts of her joining team undead. Edward is at a steady "no" along with Rosalie. But everyone else says, "Hell yes!" Like becoming a vampire is a party or something. Funny thing is when Bella asks Jasper he goes:

    And she's all:

    Hmm, yeah, that's not weird at all. Not the least bit creepy.

    In the last few pages Edward and Jake have a little pissing contest and Edward proposes to Bella. The End. Yawn. Thank God it's over.

    Now where's my fuckin' chocolate?

    My Twilight Review can be found

    .

    Oh, yeah, bonus time. 'Cause what's a review without one?

    Quick! If I were to light Edward on fire what would he become?

    More reviews and more at

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  • karen

    oh, hai, just me here, reading

    on my nook simple touch...

    this

    craze... the books are not as bad as the haters say they are, but they are also nowhere near as good as lovers of this series believe. this installment was just kind of... bland. despite my reading it on the fine e-ink technology of the new nook.

    she did one thing right - one wonderful thing. i assume it is too late to actually "spoil" anything in the bellaverse, so i am just going to barrel ahead - but when edward le

    oh, hai, just me here, reading

    on my nook simple touch...

    this

    craze... the books are not as bad as the haters say they are, but they are also nowhere near as good as lovers of this series believe. this installment was just kind of... bland. despite my reading it on the fine e-ink technology of the new nook.

    she did one thing right - one wonderful thing. i assume it is too late to actually "spoil" anything in the bellaverse, so i am just going to barrel ahead - but when edward leaves bella in the woods. that moment - when she just loses her mind and her desolation and her emptiness and her self-destructive impulses shoot straight to the surface. it was pretty well-done. because let's face it, we have all been left behind by someone we are still in love with. even me. wonderful, wonderful me.

    and having recently rewatched my favorite movie,

    , i have to point out the best scene in it, and how it mirrors this book. this is a spoiler for

    . which you should all watch. and be gutted.

    that is the kind of heartbreak bella has here and lord, do i get that impulse. and bella keeps it up the whole book - testing the boundaries of her own mortality to get that rush of maybe-edward each time she is close to death. and that's pretty ballsy for teen fiction.

    but i don't know how many near-death experiences one girl has to have in order to become interesting. this book was fine, but mostly just one-note. she misses edward and likes but doesn't like-like jacob. for nearly four hundred pages. but my, how slender four hundred pages can be on the new nook!

    so - yeah - i am reading on a freaking robot. i was forced to borrow one from work so that i could get on board with the emerging technology. did i do all right, john petrie?? are you proud of my commitment to excellence?? do you see i read a whole book on a machine?? a book that i read for the express purpose of getting to

    so i can be a completist in my reading books that are "based" on

    quest?? and no one looking at me knew what i was reading. the freedom from shame was well worth it...

    nook. lightweight. tiny. capacious. good for hiding your books from nosy subway riders. may contain traces of

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